mysister'scomingmysister'scomingican'tbelieveshe'sreallycoming!!!!!! holy shit i'm excited. i can't fucking wait, this is going to be the longest 3 wks ever!!! she'll fly in on the 26th and stay for 4 days.

hope everyone had a good 4th. i worked over the weekend, but it's cool. still got to see all kinds of fireworks. billie's bday is on the 4th, but we celebrated the next day b/c meena had to work all day. she (billie, meena's mom) made bbq chicken off the bone and that shit was off the motherfucking chain, yo! omg, i had two plates. lol. she also made coleslaw and baked beans. meena brought home some drinks and chips and what not from the store. we had a good ol' time, except for the part where i had to wait 3 hours for fuck face and his cunt to leave.

things have been really good lately. i had an appt w/dr. kahn the other day. thank GOD i'm changing doctors b/c this guy is a real fuck head. seriously. my appt was supposed to last for 30 min.....it lasted no more than two. i guarantee it. he's such a douche. i talked to him about changing my medication, and he looked at me like i was crazy! (no pun intended) so he finally wrote me a script for my zoloft and one for this medicine called lamictal. it's for the bipolar. it will do the same thing the abilify does, but w/o the weight gain. i told him that the abilify made me put on like, 15 lbs. and he wanted to argue w/me. "no, it can't be the abilify....it has to be something else....", blah, blah, blah. no, it's the abilify. it's a common side effect. i've talked to another person here at work that was on it and it made her gain weight too. besides, i think i know my fucking body just a little bit better than dr. fuck head. whatever. so i have an appt on wednesday in destin w/a dr. boilini. hope he/she is nice. i hope i can actually have a rapport w/my new doctor. i don't like being made to think that i'm crazier than i actually am.

meena has been working her dog ass off. she's been there for a week and they've already got her working overtime. she worked nearly 10 hours on saturday (the 4th), which was her mom's bday. she had today off and slept. lol, if i had been working that much, i'd sleep too.

i need to do housework while i'm off. i've been neglecting my dishes. not like there's anything to eat in my house, but it would be nice if i got off my big ass and did the damn dishes. i already have to do a load or two of laundry, so i might as well do the dishes while i'm waiting for it to be done. *sigh* i hate the dishes. lol, and they're really not that bad, b/c i rinse them off before i put them in the sink. i'm just lazy. hahaha.

so i'm totally stoked b/c alltel and verizon finally merge on the 12th, and i can FINALLY start using the internet on my phone and get pic messages and all that. see, i signed up for alltel about a month ago and instead of having to buy a new phone, they were able to activate my verizon phone....since they're on the same network now and all. however, b/c it's different software from alltel, i haven't been able to d/l ringtones or get picture messages and the like. although, i will be buying a new phone the weekend that my sister gets here. i get paid that weekend and it's money that i can play w/, so the plan is to buy the phone that i want and give the one i have now to meena so she can go activate it at boost mobile and save on her phone bill every month. can't wait to get my new shiny!

talked to jamie the other day and she sent me pics of her little girl, kaya. omg, she's so fucking adorable! i'm so proud of her and i miss her like crazy. she was in virginia beach for like a week or so. i can't wait to meet her little girl when i go home in december. i am so totally stoked to go home in december, too. i'm not gonna be diggin' on the cold weather, but it will be nice to see my family again. my whole family. james will be there w/his g/f so i'll get to meet her. the fam hasn't been together like that since the first xmas i went back after moving to florida. he's been in the army and i've been working. last year, i went home in july instead of december, and THIS time i'm not driving all over creation to meet up w/everyone. i told jamie on the phone the other day that i'm going to be doing enough driving and if ppl wanna see me, then they can come to me. so i'm thinking of a little get together at the kitchen pass since leroy's is closed. later, if we want to move the party to one of the local bars (yes, i said one of them, and i think there's only like 2), then cool. since it'll be xmas time, it should be pretty easy to get everyone together.

other than that, doing o.k. the meds are working and i haven't felt the least bit depressed since i got out of the hospital. i have NO, repeat NO, drama in my life and i absolutely love it. no one playing games w/me, no one being two-faced......it's awesome. i feel so much better now that i've been able to slough off all that dead weight. and trust me, there was a lot of it. meena's going to try to get athena and take her to melissa's tomorrow. so i'm hoping to take care of that once and for all. i want to get her out of where she's at now, but it's been hard b/c meena's been working so much and yesterday was her 1st day off in over a week. so hopefully that situation will be good to go after today. *crosses fingers* hopefully.

i was talking to elizabeth today and she said that she needed some sister time and didn't think she could wait until i come home in december. so she's thinking of saving up for a plane ticket and flying down here next month! omfg i'm so excited!!! seeing my sister might just be what i need, ya know? i miss my seester.....bunches. so we planned it out to where we both get paid on a certain day and she'll be down hopefully towards the end of next month, b/c once she starts school again, she'll have no life. i believe she's student teaching this semester. omg i can't wait!

i also talked to my cousin michelle, and we talked about a few things, namely the cunt in particular. ya know, the cousin i don't talk about. anyway, apparently the cunt is getting married next year and michelle is in the wedding. no biggie, *shrug* i give a shit. she said that the cunt didn't want to send me an invitation b/c she didn't want me to accept it as an apology. *rolls eyes* not that i would go. but whatever, she needs to get overself, that's all that is. i could give a shit less if she's getting married. if it lasts a year i'll be amazed. truly and utterly amazed.

so today's father's day. i need to call dad today and both my grandpas. ya know, ever since i got out of the hospital the first time, things have been different between us. much different. i just feel like he has a better understanding of me and for that i have more respect for him. we used to butt heads on a regular basis b/c we're just so much alike. i feel like we have a relationship, like a real father/daughter relationship, now that i'm medicated. it's weird but really cool. when he was here we got along so well. he also hasn't said anything that's pissed me off, but on the flip side of that, i believe i've been listening to him better. it's good. this will be a good father's day.

this is day 4 now of my teeth killing me. it's like my whole mouth wants to fall off. fucking wisdom teeth. everyone's like, just get 'em cut out. um, hello i just had someone steal my rent money, i have no money to do anything w/let alone cut some fucking teeth out. maybe it's sympathy pain b/c the baby's cutting teeth. a couple of molars.

i think i might go to the beach today. i haven't been in like, a month or so and i'm fading. baaaad. maybe i'll make that my gift to myself today: finish mowing the lawn, and then the beach. yeah, that sounds like a good idea. the other day it was mow the yard and then the flea market, which i did. i mowed the yard then had to stop b/c it ran out of gas. ray and jane were already gone and he didn't leave the gas can anywhere in sight, so jen, meena, and i went to the flea market. i love that place. you can literally find just about anything there. they're fairly cheap and most times you can haggle 'em down a little bit. even if it's only 5 or 10 bucks off. that's where my dad bought my t.v., dropped him from 30 to 25 dollars. it was awesome. but then again, dad knows how to haggle. that same day, (when he was here) i found a 64 game that i've been looking for, mario kart. the bastard wanted $20 for it. meena and i were like, fuck that.

i didn't sleep worth a shit yesterday. tuesday's and wednesday's are usually my days off, but they needed me to work on tuesday night so i was like cool. let's rack up some over time. fucking A. so yeah, didn't sleep too well b/c it was hot and my teeth were killing me. it'll wear off, i just gotta play the waiting game. which sucks. fucking teeth anyway. whatever.

so b/c there's someone stalking my journal, i had to change a few things. sorry guys! go get your rocks off somewhere else.

apparently someone missed the memo the first time when i said, my journal, so i'll write whatever the fuck i want. if anyone needs to get a life, it's you jasper. now go fuck yourself. i will write what i want, when i want, public or private, it doesn't matter. and yes, you did steal my dog. you keep talking about taking responsibility......why don't you take responsibility for your fucking wife. why don't you take responsibility for your house? oh that's right, you too busy bleeding petey for money. and i don't give a shit about your response, and if bitch is the only thing you can come up, that's sad. go to hell and leave me alone.

i've always said that this is my journal and i'll say whatever the fuck i want whenever the fuck i want. period. if you don't like it, don't fucking read it. it's that simple. yesterday was a different story. i had to apologize to jen b/c i hurt her feelings by something i wrote. you all know i never apologize for what i write, but it really hurt her feelings pretty bad so i apologized to her.

but that would've never surfaced had ceese not taken the time to look it up and point it out to her. so thank you ceese for being a self-indulgent, holier than thou art, childish piece of shit cow. you have stepped to a new low. only play schoolers try that shit. so do yourself a a favor and grow the fuck up. go and play w/all your little friends b/c you can't find ppl your own age to play w/and control. now i know why they call you psycho ciocho. b/c you are. you're a psychotic, worthless, homely, piece of shit and karma will come back to bite you and bite you hard. i hope athena rips your face off. now stick that in your pipe and fucking smoke it, bitch. i'm not apologizing for shit b/c i did nothing wrong. this thing that i supposedly said is bullshit and you fucking know it. now fuck off and leave me alone. you stole my dog, don't you have enough?

so did it make ya feel good? did you feel like you were gonna pull meena and jen away from me? i bet you did. i bet you got all kinds of excited. i bet you called them right away and told them they needed to see this. did you accomplish what you set out to do? doesn't look like it. well get all your little friends together so you can all read this together b/c this one's all about you baby, now go fuck yourself.

so i ended up going back into the hospital a couple of weeks ago. they put me on an anti-depressant called zoloft. so far it's working pretty good. not much on that.

ceese has started some shit and i'm not going to be a part of it. i'm not going to dwell on it. i don't know what the hell is going on w/her, but it's no excuse for how she is treating me. i'm not having any fucking thing to do w/it. i have enough shit going on in my life right now and the last person i need bullshit from is her. so i'm taking a break from her. obviously she doesn't give a shit, so neither do i. if she wants to piss off my friendship like it means nothing, then that's on her. so whatever.

my dad was here a few weeks ago. he was here on business and i was able to cut him a deal on a few rooms, which was nice. it helped him out too. we had a really good time while he was here. the first couple nights he stayed w/me at the house, so it was nice to spend some one on one time w/dad. that never happens. we get along really well now. things are different and i think he understands me better. maybe we both understand each other a little better.

not much else is going on, just really pissed about the whole ceese thing. i found a new home for athena. she'll be going to a nice young couple in ocala. beth knows them so that will be nice. i don't like the idea of giving her to someone else, but i will NOT leave her w/ceese any longer. all she gives a shit about is money and i don't have any. for fuck sake, i just had someone get into my house and steal my rent money right out of my purse while i was in the fucking shower. if i had any money, i'd fucking give it to her. this whole fucking thing started b/c i invited her to a cookout. instead of saying sure or no thanks, she told me i was rubbing it in her face.

yeah.

how the fuck and why the fuck would i do something like that? did she ever stop to think, hmm, why would phoenix do that? fuck no. she's like her brother and thinks that she's all high and mighty and that she's always right. i'm done. i'm fucking done w/the games and the bullshit. when i got out of the hospital she didn't even ask how i was doing. she just wanted to know when she was going to get money out of me. i understand that she and jasper are stressed the fuck out, but hello......SO AM I!!!!!! so what the fuck ever.

i haven't felt like writing lately. obviously. i haven't been up to much. just chillin' at the beach w/meena. jenn (her daughter) has been gone for like, almost 2 months and she just came back a couple days ago. we had the baby for a couple of weeks and now she wants to come in like she's some kind of super mom or something. what the fuck ever. i'm already sick of her. she acts like she's better than everyone. cow. she's supposed to go back to alabama on sunday. that day could not come soon enough.

two weeks ago faria was in town. i took that friday night off and went petey and i went to howl at the moon to meet him up there. omfg i got so fucking wasted, it was great! *lmao* it was just like old times. he requested "our song". *smiles* it was fucking awesome. i danced all night, drank all night, then went to waffle house, then home, then i went to bed. i haven't had that much fun in a whie.

the water is now warm enough to get in. which is good, b/c it's starting to get really fucking hot outside. lol, i heart the beach. i got some good sun the other day hanging out w/meena and her man, don.

i've been really pissy lately. and depressed. just haven't felt like doing much of anything. let alone writing. there's really been nothing to write about. i got to talk to james, finally for longer than 30 seconds the other morning. he's doing pretty good, he's just busy. ever since he got promoted and then got out of training, he's been balls to the wall.

i'm solely convinced that no man will ever love me. ever. i chase them off. i chase them off, then they run right into the "perfect woman" and then *blam*. that's it. they're gone. i'm just the rebound girl. i'm always just a rebound girl. how does this shit happen? what the fuck ever. i'm fucking done.

now this has been some years ago, but those that were there can agree that it was probably the single most coolest thing ever. i was "talking" w/this guy. his name was eddie martin. he seemed pretty cool, he came over a few times and watched movies w/my friends and i for a while. well, every thursday, danae, dani, valerie, susie, myself, and sometimes beth would all pile into cars and go to 707. it was a dance club that hosted retro night on thursdays.

so anyway, it was a thursday. beth and i were getting ready to go out and valerie was bringing some friends from wichita: danae, and susie. well, one of the last times danae was here, she informed me of something mr. martin had said: apparently he said that he would watch as many movies as it took to get in my pants. well, i wasn't about to have any of that. besides, all he had to do was ask. i promise. at that point in my life, i was sleeping w/just about anyone. honestly. ask beth. lol.

i was not about to be made a fool of. and the one thing you never do is tell a girl's friend about your evil plan b/c that said friend will tell her girl. duh. he called the house that night as beth and i were getting ready to go out. now here's where it gets a little.......well, you'll see. i pretended to be drunk when i spoke w/him so he would come over and "get some". i wanted to do whatever it took to insure that he would be at my house after the club.

well, everyone shows up to the club, including mr. martin. the whole time he thinks i'm drunk and thinks he's gonna get some good ol' pussy. he had no idea what was in store for him when he got to the house. here's the thing, somehow, it got around to the whole bar that something big was happening at head's place after the bar. so by the time i got back to the house, it was full of people. of course i'm thinking, oh, this is gonna be great.

we get to my house and we're all sitting around watching a movie, some are still drinking, and i lean over and whisper to mr. martin that we need to go to the next room. we go to my room and start making out. i start to undress him and see that all his clothes are in ONE pile on the floor. we're right about to *ahem* "begin", when i stop him and say, "wait, i don't have any condoms......they're all in beth's room, i'll have to go get one."

the next thing he knows is that i have swung my bedroom door open to reveal a fully clothed me and a nearly naked him. EVERYONE was watching. it was awesome! what was even more awesome was what was waiting for him downstairs in the yard.......

i take his clothes and tell him to get the fuck out of my house and never bother coming back. then i run downstairs, w/his clothes, and threw them in the pre-made mud puddle that beth and i created BEFORE we went to the bar. it was raining, btw. so as he's bending over, in the rain, picking up his muddy clothes, beth comes out from behind the door and douses this motherfucker in flour. so now he's wet, muddy, naked, and covered in flour.

he goes back upstairs to get his shoes, and b/c he disrespected my roomie (beth), i drug his clothes out in the middle of the street and danced on them in the rain. ha! he comes back down and was all like, "how am i supposed to get home?"......um, you have two legs, walk motherfucker.

that's what happens when you piss me off. i throw your clothes in the mud and douse you in flour. told you i was crazy. and now you know the eddie martin story.

so tuesday was just one of those days where i couldn't seem to do anything right. it all started when i left the house to make change. i drive up to the tom thumb near the house to pick up something to drink. all of a sudden this old man approaches me and starts telling me i need to slow down and come to a complete stop when i cross hwy 98. of course i'm all like, excuse me? what?? so this guy just keeps going on and on and i have no idea what he's talking about. obviously he has me mistaken for someone else, but he is just so insistent on that person being me. finally i told him to stop harassing me or i'm calling the cops. that's when he flashes his badge and says, "call the cops, i'm an off duty sheriff's deputy".

great.

so anyway, even the people that were helping me in the store asked him to leave me alone or leave. finally, they got me my change, and i left. leaving what i had just paid for on the counter. i was so pissed off and when i came back, the tom thumb people called the cops. of course they couldn't do anything b/c apparently this guy was a sheriff's deputy in the next county over. so according to okaloosa county, it was out of their jurisdiction. o.k., fine. i can deal w/that.

i run a few errands, pick up jenn from work and apply at kohl's. we're on our way home, just before hurlburt and *BLAM*.....we get rearended. i'm at a dead fucking stop and this bitch just slams into me almost causing me to hit the car infront of me. thank god i always have enough sense to stay back a little bit just in case of this very thing happening. so i get out of the car and look at the back, my car's fine. i check to make sure jenn was o.k. and we hadn't quite made up our mind on it yet. so a few miles up the road, we stop b/c her neck is hurting and i made sure that stupid bitch pulled over too, i had her tag number so she had to.

go figure, the same cop i had dealt w/just a few hours before, was called to the scene. the police came and called an ambulance for jenn b/c she couldn't move her neck. so they came and took her to the hospital. i had to wait for the state trooper to fill out the report and blah, blah, blah. i practiced perfect restraint. it took everything in me to not have a fit on that fucking bitch right there in front of the state trooper. we all know me and we all can imagine how fucking livid i was at the moment.

so they finally wrap it up and i go to get meena so we can pick up jenn from the hospital. the next day my insurance company got a hold of me (the bitch and i have the same insurance) and wanted to know about the wreck. they told me to take the car to get an estimate on the damage. so i said o.k. they also called jenn and made sure she was o.k. and talk about her side of the wreck and her medical expenses.

now by this time, it's thursday and we're going to see the insurance people so they can take a look at the pearl. they go around back and take several pictures and then told me they were going to be right back w/a check. so i'm like, sweet....couple hundred bucks would be nice so i can put groceries in our houses. no, they bring me a check for fucking $1200!!! omfg, so we immediately went to walmart and put new tires on the car, got it an oil change, and got groceries for our houses for like the next month or more. i get my meds today and meena will get a new i.d. then i'll finish off by putting gas in the car.

i'm telling ya, that wreck was a blessing in disguise b/c we really needed the money. and now we're all caught up for the moment, yay!

omg, the biggest news of all......MY BROTHER MADE SERGEANT!!!!!!!!! i'm so proud of him! and thanks to everyone's good thoughts and congrats all across the board. my brother's a sergeant, hell fucking yeah!!!

so rachel is an even bigger cunt then what we originally thought. i hope that bitch gets run over by the karma train in a BIG motherfucking way. she makes me want to take my happy pills. all. at. once. fucking cow. i hope you get hit by a bread truck. dirty fucking whore. *ugh* whatthefuckever! ya mama.

so james goes before the board on wednesday to find out if he makes sergeant! so everyone wish him luck, he's been working really hard and he deserves it. he'll prolly be the youngest sgt. i've ever known......he's not even 21 yet! so yes, keep your fingers crossed and keep him in your thoughts.

they caught the guy that hit elizabeth. she's doing o.k. and has a new car now so she's mobile again. i think she was driving james' old car. she also has some new photos up of one of her latest shoots, so if you have myspace and you get a chance, she's in my #1 spot. go check her out. her photos are *hawt*.

i'm doing o.k. right now i'm just stressed the fuck out about bills and work. they're trying to push me the fuck out of here, i know it. and finding a second job has been a pain in the ass. doesn't anyone understand that i need to work more??? dammit. whatever. motherfucker. i feel like the only two options i have is hooking and selling drugs.....i know i've said that before, but seriously. which one do you think would be more profitable? there was an article on msn.com saying that as the economy gets worse, more and more women are turning to stripping and making porn. now that's not a bad idea. i just feel like many people do my age: stuck between a rock and hard place. i am so over being broke. i am so over this job. and i am definitely over......i lost my thought. whatever. apparently not too important.

about the only thing i got going right now is this ah-mazing tan. i love the beach. i really do. it's so relaxing and it makes me so happy to go. the sand is so white and fine. the water (albeit still cold) sparkles like jewels....especially at high noon. hence the name, the emerald coast. i'll post some pics on myspace that you can go check out. there hasn't been any serious storms to stir up all the seaweed and shit, so the water is crystal fucking clear and you can see to the bottom. in some places the sand bars are so huge......we saw some on the way to destin yesterday. it was awesome.

i miss my rent movie. *pout* let he among us w/o sin be the first to condemn!

VIVA LA VIE BOHEME.

so i was written up again. from some bullshit reason too: forcing credit card authorizations. um, excuse me, if you don't want people doing this, then maybe you shouldn't train your people to do it. hello! bunch of fucking cows. i need to get another job before they push me out of this one. i know that's what she's trying to do. she did it w/meena and now she's trying to do it to me. fuck that fucking little spoiled cunt. and i can't call walter and call her out on it (b/c it's wrong, just plain and simple, she's not following the handbook on how these things should be dealt) b/c it'll be the last point i'll ever make here.

i've decided that at my next job interview, i'm interviewing the manager of whatever i happen to be applying for. it's not fair that only the potential employee gets interviewed. the potential employee should be able to switch it up and interview the potential employer. after all, it's only fair. i'm an adult, i have certain responsibilities and financial obligations that i have to uphold, not to mention bills to pay. i don't have time to be worrying about my job being on the line b/c some bitch has a hard on for getting me fired.

i'm fucking done. i can't fucking think right now.

so meena and i have been to the beach again the past couple of days while i was off. it was really nice. perfect weather, water was still too cold, but other than that it ah-mazing. nothing like laying out on a perfect day. and if i do say so myself, i have the most beautiful tan. yessa.....it is awesome. my back and legs are a little tender, but it's not too bad, compared to what it could be.

apparently my sister was in a wreck a couple nights ago. someone hit her and then ran. luckily, she's o.k., just a little banged up here and there, but mostly she was freaked out. i saw pictures of the car yesterday, it's done. non-drivable. another one bites the dust. i'm just glad she's o.k.

so i'm pretty sure my security guy is drinking on the job. or something close to it. he doesn't smell like he had a few drinks before his shift, but that he's drinking while on his rounds or something. it's quite disturbing and very disgusting b/c he already smells like stale cigs and stale ketchup, stale fried food....and b.o. it's pretty fucking awful. i've said something to my supervisor AND his, but we'll see. i don't know, but he came up to the desk earlier and smelled like he was enjoying spring break just a little too much.

jenn had her friends from alabama down for spring break. they were only here a couple days, but it was still pretty fun. i forget what it's like to be that young and that retarded. but something tells me i was probably just as retarded, if not more. they're good girls, just teenagers.....and teenagers are evil. like whoa.

i have to get a second job soon or i'm not gonna be able to keep up w/my bills and shit. i don't know how i've been making it so far. it's a fucking miracle. i'd like to be able to put some food in my house, by a fucking fan for my room, something, anything. i hate living from paycheck to paycheck. it's so depressing. it's even more depressing talking about it.

luckily no printer issues this evening. *whew* thank god, that shit was getting old. i like my audit to start promptly when i'm ready for it, and to have it run smoothly. i know, i know, it can't happen like that all the time, but hey, i can dream can't i?

talked to mom and dad this morning for a little bit. they're doing pretty good. hopefully they'll get to come down in august when james and elizabeth are here. that would be awesome. we haven't been together as a family since christmas 06. i miss them all terribly....especially james. i haven't seen him since that christmas either. he's been in hawaii and i've been here in florida. so when he comes in august, it's on. he'll be 21 then too, so i can take him to a few bars. it'll be great.

been doing alright lately. the last several days have been pretty decent, for me anyway. i'm just taking it one day at a time. really that's all you can do, and i'm learning that. my dosage of abilify seems to be working b/c i've been pretty mellow lately. this is the first time in my life that i've felt balanced, ya know? if i didn't have my friends and family to back my up, i don't know where or who i'd be.

so the last two nights here at work, i've had printer issues therefore prolonging my audit. and of course i have to call support and see what they think, which of course always....takes.....FOREVER.....*grrr* but i'm finally done w/the fucking thing and that's what matters.

not much going on lately, still on the hunt for a second job. i really, really, really don't want to have to drive to destin for a second job. but if things don't start happening soon, i'm going to aj's in destin. luckily, it just happens to be right over the bridge after the island, so that wouldn't be too terribly bad. thought i was gonna do henna tatts for the summer, but the damn job was in destin. fuck dude, i want a job here. where i fucking live. is that so much to ask? i've already worked in destin before, and trust me, that shit wasn't all that fun. the drive totally sucked and anytime there was a wreck on the island, you were fucked in traffic for a looooooong time. *bleh* whatever.

omg like whoa. faria's is back in the states and in georgia, actually. and he's gonna be here the first weekend in may! omfg!!! i can't believe that motherfucker's finally back. it's about damn time, yo! i'm so excited. i know i'm not gonna have the weekend off, but maybe if i have a second job by then, i can maybe afford to take a day off or so. that would be totally stellar. can't wait to see him!

last couple days have been o.k. i've been here and at the beach, baby. yeah.....i love the beach. we (meena and i) went again today. i am so brown. still red in a couple places, but mostly brown. ah, i love it!

i was really busy tonight at work. it was weird b/c we're only about half full, but the phone kept ringing and then someone needed to change a room and then someone else needed towels......it was a mess for a minute. rather, i was a mess for a minute. running around like a crazy person. wait, i am a crazy person. *muwahahaha*

i finally, FINALLY, *finally* got my ativan the other day and the piece of shit indian motherfucker only prescribed me 10. i'm supposed to get 120! needless to say, i'm fucking pissed. not happy about that one at all. didn't discover this until today b/c of course, i don't need to take them everyday and i didn't think i'd have to check to make sure my doctor was doing his job! fuck them, they're all fired. i'm finding new doctors.

i've been o.k. a little down lately, but hopefully that will look up since it's beach time. i will be going back again today and not leaving till i'm burnt. on both sides. everywhere. lol. i love being brown. looks so much more attractive than white and ashy. *bleh*

while i'm on the hunt for new docs, i'll be checking into the job thing as well. still haven't heard anything, but it was only monday. i figured it'll be alright to call back later on today. or maybe go by and check on it instead of calling. i don't know yet how i want to do that. don't want to seem pushy or desperate, even though yes, i am very much desperate for another job. like whoa. i haven't been able to see tia, my therapist, for like, a month now. once i get my bill paid down, i'll be able to go back. but pay them w/what? i mean really. i have not a dime to spare. not one. this recession shit has got to go.

i'm trying to write every day or every couple of days or so. i don't know that it's made me feel better, b/c hello, it's not like i lead such an exciting life that i can post anything. my days are the same: get home from work, hang out w/meena and them for a little bit, go to bed. get up, maybe take a shower, go hang out w/meena and them for a little bit, go to work. get to work, maybe nap a little, dick around on the internet for a little bit, or watch a movie on netflix, do my audit, wait out the next couple of hours, then go home. wash, rinse, repeat it's just that this winter has been so shitty, and cold, and dull as hell. i know that once i start going to the beach more and get another job, i'll be able to do more b/c i'll have the money to do more. like, go see a movie for instance. i haven't been to the movies in like, a year or so. or go visit melissa and amanda. that would be nice w/o worrying about weather or not i have the gas to go and see them and the kids. but until then, i just do the same goddamn thing every fucking day and it gets old.

that's where my happy pills come in, and i only got 10 of them! *grrr*

meena and i went to the beach today.....well, technically yesterday. but yay, we went to the beach! thinking of going back later on today too. jenn is off and she wants to go, and i could use another round of sun myself. i fell asleep, so my back got sun and my front did not. lol, i was tired, back off.

not much that i really feel like talking about. chris has been on my mind a lot lately. so much that i can't stand it. i miss him.....i can't do this.

ya know what really gets me? when i see grown men in uniform acting like babies. yesterday morning i was supposed to have 7 rooms show up between 3 and 4 in the morning. well, i held off my audit until 4:30......so they show up at 5:30. o.k., no biggie. probably ran into flight issues. they had been on a 24 hr flight back from iraq. i made the mistake of thinking they would actually be glad to be back in the u.s. they were the most ungrateful, rude sacks of shit that i have ever dealt w/.....ever. my brother is in the service and he would NEVER talk to a lady like that. nor would he ever treat someone like they're nothing. we came from nothing and unless you've pissed us off or something, we'll never treat another human being like they're nothing. fuck that.

anyway, these guys were real douche bags and i hope they were hit by a bread truck on the way to denny's (b/c OUR breakfast wasn't good enough for them). they're lucky i'm medicated. i so had to take a happy pill after that. i can't stand rude people. i will never understand them or how they behave. i just don't get it. i may be mean to people, but i'm not down right rude to them. *bleh* whatev. not worth it.

didn't do much yesterday. been waiting to go to walmart. my mom sent me a walmart card in the mail and of course it's taking for fucking ever to get here. wasn't here yesterday, so i have to wait til monday to get it. i need a dish brush and laundry detergent, goddammit!

oh, and nathan was in florida, but he wasn't anywhere near me. he was umpiring baseball down in winter haven which is between orlando and tampa. so we're talking like a 6-8 hour drive. i don't think so, mr. lol, anyway, it was good to know he was in the same state, but i still didn't get to see him. the last time i saw him was eons ago, it seems like.

i smell breakfast......and it smells great.